What Happens In Stoke Stays In Stoke
Football in the UK has had a couple of player / manager spats this week but the one I'm concentrating on for this post is between Stoke City manager Tony Pulis and striker James Beatie. Beatie organised a Christmas party for the players on Saturday night, and arranged Monday off to recover in addition to their planned Sunday off. After being beaten 2-0 by Arsenal the manager decided that the players would come in on Monday, Beatie was not amused and tempers flared. Afterwards Pulis commented that "what happens in the dressing room, stays in the dressing room", but let's frame that in a different context to see if it's still a value worth being proud of.
Imagine that in the context of domestic violence or sexual abuse in a family home. How many women have kept silent after being battered by their husbands because they believe wholeheartedly in the motto of "what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors"? How many kids are brought up with that motto, so they don't tell that Uncle Timmy comes into their bedroom at night when he stays over, or that they can't sleep at night because dad is yelling at mom again.
There has been a gradual education and acceptance that keeping it in the family is not always a good thing, that abused partners and kids are encouraged to tell someone, to help address the issue. It's now much more acceptable to tell someone, where it never used to be.
Of course comparing the abuse of power to an argument between two grown adults is not the same thing, but the idea behind it is. You are seen as being loyal to the unit if you accept it and say nothing, and a traitor who possibly causes irreparable damage to the unit if you let outsiders into the story because they can't possibly understand. "Don't tell" is what bullies and abusers rely on to continue to do what they do unopposed. There is an emotional pressure from the group to conform.
In the case of domestic abuse, the damage can be anything from a family break up, divorce, upheaval with custody battles, court hearings, shelters, disruption to schooling etc. With sports teams it can be a disintegration of trust in that group of players leading to the team losing a lot of games ending up with them being relegated, likely the manager losing his job and players leaving for different clubs with freindships breaking up. When you drop down a division, the sponsorship money is less, the wages are less, the bonuses are less, it can be a downward spiral that takes a long, long time to turn round, if ever. This has an effect on the lifestyles and incomes of everyone involved, from holiday plans, housing, kids schooling etc In both cases there is so much at stake, and blame is easy to put on the shoulders of someone who, for whatever reason won't stay quiet.
Recently the latest confirmation of what we've known for a long time was made public, with a report into the sexual abuse by Catholic Priests in Ireland. Apart from the church seemingly the ideal vocation for a paedophile, the idea of "keeping it in the family" led to 1,000's more kids being abused and their abusers being protected rather than prosecuted. People who did speak out were pressured, bullied and ostracised from their communities. This is not just an isolated pattern in Ireland, it's the Catholic church worldwide, with the current Pope instructing Bishops NOT to let the local police forces in, to report to him, and cover it up. Have you spotted a pattern yet?
In the case of Pulis, Beatie and Stoke City I think Beatie had a point, on the other hand he is a professional footballer on a very good wage, and two days to recover from a party is a tad excessive. If I was a Stoke City fan, I'd want the team determined to bounce back after a defeat, so I'd back Pulis on this one. The question now is whether or not James Beatie is still a Stoke City player after the January transfer window closes.
So is keeping it behind closed doors a good or bad thing? I'd guess it's down to the circumstances of the situation and whether or not the actions in question are a crime. Is that double standards? When does an argument become bullying or abuse?
